"I am what I am"
6 x 8 Canvas Panel
I had a good friend at the house the other day and we got to talking about art. I laid out some of the pieces I've made over the last year and, while carefully looking at what she saw before her, she asked me a bold question: "Do you feel guilty about not being able to become pregnant?" Wow. And, yes. I wouldn't have thought so, but my answer came quickly.
I am acutely aware of how lucky we are to have our beautiful baby, and I am forever grateful that Kendra's birthmother trusted us to parent her, but now that we are hoping to adopt again, all of the "old" feelings of not being able to do this, or relying on someone else to do that, must bring it all up again. What I realized in that moment is that I am still holding on to a lot of guilt and fear. And I am sharing it with you because with this piece for Mixed Media Monday, I have decided to let that go. I know that we will have another child, even if I don't know how or when. And I have resolved to live more in the moment and celebrate the family I do have. I am the one who can not give birth. But I am also the one who was lucky enough to carry Kendra in my heart. We are all so lucky. I have finally given myself permission to just be. After all, "I am what I am."
This piece was created on a 6 x 8 canvas panel that was collaged with personal mementos of our adoption including a letter from my Mother-in-Law, a piece of my baby shower invitation and the stamp we created for her birth announcements. To this, I added a wash of acrylic, a charcoal outline representing myself and a heart (made from handmade papers) representing the part of me she came from.
Thank you for looking. And a big thank you to my friend for showing me the light . . .